Laughs
Laughs
Borrowing a title from Readers Digest 'Laughter Is The Best Medicine' here are some funny things I've ran across on the web and that have been sent to me by others in the line of work. Some are old and some are new, I take no credit other than putting them here for your view. If perchance you see something that offends you DON'T READ IT! As those in the business know sometimes our humor runs a little to the dark side. And as Larry the Cable Guy says, "Lord I apologize". Please read disclaimer.
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For those among our ranks that don't get enough rescues at work (usually the younger medics, career wise) here are a few PC games available.
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| EMS Laughs | FireFighter Laughs | Law Enforcement Laughs | Nursing Laughs |
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| You Might Belong to a Redneck Volunteer FD If... | NASCAR Firetruck | |
| Best Speeding Excuse...Ever | Murphy's Laws of Combat | |
| Drake's Laws Of Law Enforcement | One Police Plaza | |
| Field Sobriety Test | ||
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May 8, 2006 |
Copyright 2001 - 2006
This posting does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the article or parts of it in commercial publications, or as part of any fee-based services or products; further redistribution’s only allowed unedited and in its entirety by electronic transfer (anonymous FTP, Gopher, WWW and mail servers), storage media, and printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; all models are over 18 years of age; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions are allowed; for a limited time only while supplies last; offer void where prohibited; is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; ask us about our trade-in plan; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during mailing; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the, no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a someone who cares; are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; offer is valid only at participating Internet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; please remain seated until the we have come to a complete stop; objects in the mirror may be funnier than they appear; this disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.
Three medics were walking on a beach, taking a break during a conference on a tquot; I wish to be ten times smarter so I can better serve my patients." "A noble wish, Master," says the genie and the wish is granted. The EMT-I is ten times smarter.
The second medic, a Paramedic, says "Well, I'd like to be a hundred times smarter to better help MY patients." "Another noble wish, Master" and the genie grants this wish also, making the paramedic 100 times smarter.
The third medic, a field supervisor, pipes up and says " Well , then I wish to be a thousand times smarter so I can help ALL the patients I Must care for."
The genie raises an eyebrow and says, "A thousand times smarter? Are you quite sure that is your wish?" "Yes,, that is my wish! A thousand times smarter!"
"Very well,! The most noble wish of all is Granted!" booms the genie.
And so now the supervisor is an EMT.
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
A couple of hunters in rural south Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
DO NOT EXPECT YOUR PARAMEDIC TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with patients suffering might cause them to lose their valuable
scientific objectivity.
BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your Paramedic leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance they can get.
TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE
BEING TREATED.
Remember thatto lose their valuable
scientific objectivity.
BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your Paramedic leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance they can get.
TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE
BEING TREATED.
Remember that your Paramedic has a professional reputation to uphold.
DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
You must believe that your Paramedic has achieved a deep insight into the true
ould understand.
SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTATION TREATMENT READILY.
Though the invasive procedure may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of Paramedics and other humanitarians.
DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR PARAMEDIC.
The patient-Paramedic relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect them from exposure.
NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR PARAMEDIC’S PRESENCE OR UNDER THEIR CARE.
This will only cause them needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
ABC - Airway, Bury'em and call the Florist (if you don’t do the first you Will do the last)
ABC - Ambulate Before Carry
ABC - Ambulance Before Cruiser (the favored progression from the plice point of view)
LOLINAD - Little old lady in no apparent distress
LOLFOF - Little old lady found on floor
WABC - Wallet, Airway, Breathing, Circulation
RTC - Ready to Croak
FTD - Fixin’ To Die
TMB - To Many Birthdays (usually FTD)
GOMER - Get out of my emergency room
HVLT - High Velocity Lead Therapy
CPR – Can’t Possibly Recover
CPR - Check pockets and run
DRT - Dead right there
DRTY - Dead right there yesterday
DWPA - Dead with paramedic assistance
MAD - Met at door
MARS - Met at road with suitcase
FUB - Found under bridge
FUC - Found under car
DOG - Dead on ground
FOGD - Found on ground dead
DND - Damn near dead
COD - Crock of sh**
ADASTW - Arrived dead and stayed that way
BART - Body assuming room temperature
SPW - Sucking pond water
OFD - Obviously Fu***** dead
FDGB - Fall down, go boom
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
DHEC Tester or Medical Control Doctor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water and talks to GOD.
Director of EMS and Department
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, freezes water with a single glance and is right next to GOD.
Shift Manager
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switchyard engine and is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm and talks to GOD.
Field Training Officer or ASM
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switchyard engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water of an indoor pool and talks to GOD if special requests are approved.
Senior Paramedic
Barely clears a Quonset hut, loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well and is occasionally addressed by GO
Crew Chief
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, sometimes handles a gun without self-injury, can dog paddle and talks to animals.
Paramedics & EMT's
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is issued bullets, can stay afloat if properly instructed and talks to the water.
Paramedic Students (prior to exams)
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the choo-choo", wets himself with a water pistol and mumbles to himself.
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PC(pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
1. Skin signs tell all.
2. Sick people don't bitch.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you.
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient is the real problem.
15. There will be problems.
16. You can't cure stupid.
17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole.
19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
21. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
23. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
25. Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.
28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up.
29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit).
31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.
36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing.
37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the corner.
38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
39. Just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
They are so secret no one above e level of street medic is to be given the codes.
Airborne Ranger: Suicide by fall
BA Bingo: Play the lottery on blood alcohol results
Bluey on the Green: Full arrest on the golf course
Car vs. Pole: "But I only had two beers!"
Concrete Poisoning: What a jumper dies from
Cranial Rectal Inversion: Head up butt
Doing the "Elvis": Vagaling out on the toilet
Doing the Tuna: Seizures
Hamburger Helper: Pedestrian vs. AMTRAK
Hang A Texaco Drip: Haul Butt Fast
Instant Ambulance: Hip pack carried by an over-zealous medic
Insurance Pain: "Neck Pain" secondary to a minor MVA
Laser Trace: Asystole (dead as a hammer)
Mr. Sta-Puft: the DOA after 2 weeks without A.C.
"O" Sign: Someone lying unconscor MVA
Laser Trace: Asystole (dead as a hammer)
Mr. Sta-Puft: the DOA after 2 weeks without A.C.
"O" Sign: Someone lying unconscious with their mouth open
Pap Smear: Fatherhood test
Patient Vu: The strange feeling that you've transporcolor="#0000A0">Pharmaceutically Gifted: A steroid user
Projectile Vomit: ALWAYS has the right of way!!
Randy Rescue: New guy with more crap on his belt than in his truck
Rectovisualitis: When your rectal nerves are crossed with your visual nerves, it affects your outlook on life
Road Pizza: Motorcycle crash victim
Stare of Life: The look on a Rookie's face during his first code
Urban Outdoorsman: Homeless person
V-Fib: A person full of contradictions
Vertically Challenged Person of Size: A 400lb guy on upper floors with no elevator
Vital Signs "WNL": We Never Looked
Walky Talky: Someone who can ambulate and converse
Windshield Taste Test: MVA victim who nails the windshield unrestrained
ABC: Airway, Bury 'em and Call the florist (if you don't do the first you'll be doing the other two)
ABC: Ambulate Before Carry
ABC: Ambulance Before Cruiser (the favored progression from the police point of view)
LOLINAD: Little Old Lady In No Apparent Distress
LOLFOF: Little Old Lady Fell On Floor
WABC: Wallet, Airway, Breathing, Circulation
RTC: Ready To Croak
FTD: Fixin' To Die
TMB: Too Many Birthdays (usually FTD)
GOMER: Get Out of My Emergency Room
HVLT: High Velocity Lead Therapy
CPR: Can't Possibly Recover
CPR: Check Pockets and Run
DRT: Dead Right There
DRTY: Dead Right There...Yesterday
DWPA: Death With Paramedic Assistance
MAD: Met At Door
MARS: Met At Road with Suitcase
FUB: Found Under Bridge
FUC: Found Under Car
DOG: Dead On Ground
FOGD: Found On Ground Dead
DMD: Damn Near Dead
COS: Crock Of Sh**
WPOS: Worthless Piece Of Sh**
ADASTW: Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way color="#0000A0">DMD: Damn Near Dead
COS: Crock Of Sh**
WPOS: Worthless Piece Of Sh**
ADASTW: Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way
BART: Body Assuming Room Temperature
SPW: Sucking Pond Water
OFD/p>
FTF: Far Too Fat HHS: Haitian Hysterical Syndrome
(Portuguese, Jamaican, etc.) TOBAS: Take Out Back And Shoot BOHICA: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again EMS: Earn Money Sleeping AMF-YOYO: Adios, Mother F***er, You're On
Your Own Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories Here are some ideas to help you through those stressful days... Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it? Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories
You know you're an old emergency worker when . . . Back to Emergency Laughs Catagories 11-1 Patient is stoned or drunk or both
Stress Reduction Techniques for
Emergency Medical Service Personnel
1.Find out what happens to a frog when defibrillated at 360 wtt/sec.
2.Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
3.Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
4.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
5.When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
6.Forget the diet center and send yourself a candygram.
7.Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8.Dance naked in front of your pets.
9.While driving emergency status in the ambulance, tell your partner your about to have a seizure.
10.Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
11.Retaliate to tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.
12.Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
13.Durrtner your about to have a seizure.
10.Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
11.Retaliate to tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.
12.Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
13.During those late night staging times when your partner is catching a few ZZZZZ's in the passenger seat, slowly move your ambulance into a position right behind a parked semi-trailer, lay on the horn and scream "look next time you're transporting a "frequent" patient, drive to the hospital in reverse.
18.Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite part of the movie Mother, Jugs, and Speed during that important finance meeting.
19.Sit right in front of one of your vehicles strobe lights for 10 minutes with your eyelids taped open.
20.Polish your ambulance with earwax.
21.Start a nasty rumor at your station and see of you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
23.Lie on your back while eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
24.Place an artificial blood capsule in your mouth before approaching your "frequent" patient, then, as if nothing were wrong, let the blood run out of while you're asking him questions.
25.While on an emergency run, pull up to someone on the sidewalk, make up a new language and frantically ask for directions.
Emergency Medical Services (stupid)
Frequently Asked Questions with answers!
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.
Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A. Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.
Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.
Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.
Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through with my check.
Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient.
Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything!
Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.
Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar-B-Q.
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack.
Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.
Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.
Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me.
Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.
Q. How com fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.
Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?
Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician
Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks.
Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray pinstripe suit.
Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.
Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked?
Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question.......
Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6,<>
Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!!
Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nursreach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permi
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
The Old Emergency Workers Test Scale
(Beyond Veteran Status)
You notice that your colleagues no longer introduce you to others as "a dynamite paramedic", but instead introduce you as "a dinosaur paramedic."
You notice that new partners are not that much older than your own kids.
You notice that enthusiasm and excitement for the profession correlates most greatly with the relative youth of the person.
You realize that several "crops" , "graduating classes", or "generations " of trainees have passed through your tutelage in the field.
You notice people looking at you strangely as you describe actually learning to use Colonel Holger-Nielson's Method of Back-Pressure Arm-Lift Artificial Respiration and feeling that you were prepared with the latest and best.
You notice that you're the only one who knows, understands, and can explain equipment such as "three-bottle suction set-up for chest tubes", "Thomas Splint, Keller-Blake Half-Ring Traction Splint, Pearson Knee Attachment, etc. When astonishment is expressed, you find yourself saying "they even used to have a Murray-Jones splint for traction splinting of the arm!"
You are the only one in the group who can explain "How To Help A Wounded Man From His Horse."
You have used a Stevenson "Minuteman" Resuscitator; or can explain the differences between it, the "Emerson", "E&J", etc., and basically give an experience-based history of "Artificial Respiration" and mechanical resuscitators.
You have done gastric lavage with a hanging glass jar and red rubber tubing.
You have carried patients with a "Poles and Canvas" stretcher.
You're not only the only one who knows how to use a triangular bandage as a sling, but know six different ways to do so.
You can recall when only one crewmember on the ambulance had to have a first aid card and that person was usually the driver. You can further recall that a mechanism existed whereby counties could be exempted from the equipment, staffing, and training requirements if hardship existed, thus less than minimal standards could be legal.
You remember having to ring a doorbell or call the hospital telephone operator to have the Emergency Room opened for your patient.
You remember when ambulance or E.R. equipment included a blackjack or billy club.
You are the only person who knows what is meant by the phrase "Converta-Hearse."
You remember when a mortuary operating an ambulance was not thought of as a conflict of interest, but a public service from the only fellow in town who had a car in which one could lie down.
You remember when a doctor's house call "was" the Pre-Hospital Care.
You remember the phrase: "Is there a doctor in the house?"
You remember (and can still feel) nurses telling patients "The Ambulance Drivers are here to give you a ride" or even "The Ambulance Boys . . ."
You remember explaining countless times each day "What's an Emergency Medical Technician?" to which the invariable reply was "Oh, you mean an Ambulance Driver!"
You are introduced as a "Pioneer" in emergency medicine and you suddenly realize that you are.
You realize, or it is pointed out to you, that many of your conversational items begin "I remember when . . . "
You notice people remarking as they hear your paramedic number "God, that's a low number!"
You realize that more than half of the hospitals you go to have been renamed, reorganized , merged, or closed.
You find that most of the people you now work with don't know any of the people who "used to be here" and they really don't know anything about your original preceptor, and there have been several chiefs or bosses since you started.
You find it is necessary to explain how vehicle manifold suction worked and how, to get full vacuum effect, it was necessary to call out "Suctioning!" so that he could let up on the accelerator pedal. People also don't understand how "The Resuscitator" had an oxygen-powered venturi "aspirator."
You qualify if at any time in your career you worked in ambulances made from "station wagons", "panel trucks" (including "step vans" and "metro vans"), "sedan-delivery" vehicles, low-top Cadillacs or other brand of "limousine chassis", any "Converta-Hearse", etc.; younger emergency workers may qualify if they worked in any ambulance that did not meet federal KKK-1824A specifications.
You qualify also if a substantial portion of your career took place before rubber gloves were supplied.
You earn additional points for qualification if your career began before seat belts were common.
You admit to yourself that nowadays the chief reason you enjoy precepting paramedic trainees is that you don't have to carry the gurney anymore.
Universal 11 Codes
11-2 Patient is to fat for spider straps
11-3 Patient stinks. I'm about to hurl
11-4 I think I just blew a vertebrae
11-5 As soon as we finish up with this piece of human bile can we get something to eat
11-6 My bladder has far exceeded it's maximum capacity, Need Immediate Assistance
11-7 My GOD!!!!
11-8 Cancel Christmas; We're about to die
11-9 You're standing on my hemorrhoid
11-10 Patient's natural aroma is burning my eyes
11-11 Yes this patient has Medicaid and yes we're bringing them in
11-12 *$&@!#&$% (Explicative of your choice)
11-13 Patient has consumed enough ETOHL to sedate a rouge elephant in heat
11-14 Patient is a Jackass
11-15 Patient is a Drunk Jackass
11-16 Patient is a Stoned Jackass
11-17 Patient is combative; Syncopal episode secondary to asphyxia is imminent and probable
11-18 Patient's family tree is a 2X4
11-19 Patient's spouse is (His/Her) (Brother/Sister) and Cousin
11-20 Patient is suffering from CWID
11-21 Patient is suffering from CFD
11-22 Patient is suffering from CPP
11-23 Patient involved in CBTIDT incident
11-24 Patient possible DNR
11-25 Patient is combative and has (struck/kick/spit on/cursed) EMS
personnel: Patient Protective Trauma Protocol has been initiated
11-26 Where in God's name are we?
11-27 What is that smell?
11-28 Satnd Clear! (He/She/It)'s about to spew
11-29 Cluster @&#%* in progress
11-30 Be advised: FULL BODY CONDOM PROTOCOL strongly suggested
11-31 Need (PD/SO/Marines/Calvary/Priest) to respond to our location STAT
11-32 Patient is obese; Need assistance to help extricate LSB from patient's butt crack
11-33 Our ETA is less than 5 minutes; Make sure there's film in the camera cause you're not going to believe this one
11-34 Medical Control; We're unable to tell which member of this monobrowed, inbred, buck mmed, cross-eyed, family is the patient
11-35 Need assistance; Ambulance buried to mirrors in patient's yard. Call wrecker service
11-36 Patient involved in FSTGA; Request orders to show patient how to do it right
Patient Protective Trauma Protocol
(1) Endotracheal Tube (Ambu Optional)
(2) Large Bore Foley (Dry)
(3) In-Field Aggressive Rectal Examination (Dry)
(4) Quad 14 Gauge IV Life Lines
(5) Cardio version
CWID
Chronic Worthless Individual Syndrome
CPP Controlled Procreation Program
DNR Drunk Needing A Ride
CFD Chronic Funk Disorder
CBTIDT Can't Believe This Idiot Did This
FSTGA Fake Suicide To Get Attention
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*Your Department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while going to a scene
*You have naked lady mud-flaps on your pumper
*Your firehouse has wheels
*You've ever got back and fnt their ground
*Your personal vehicle has more lights on it than your house does
*You've ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a scheme for your truck
*Your rescue can smoke the tires
*Your departments name is misspelled on your equipment
*The nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment
*Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing
*The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarrassed them last time
*You've ever locked the keys in your trucks
*You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy
*Your defib consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder
*You've ever taken a girl out on a pumper
*Your pumper has been on fire more times than it's been to a fire
*Your pumper smokes more than a house fire
*You've ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire
*You've ever called it quits on a house fire because the beer got hot
*You've ever been late to a house fire because you had to stop and get the guy who fell off the truck
*You've ever stopped enroute to pick up a road kill
*You hand out spit cans before each meeting
*You have a sign in front of your station that says "will fight fires for beer"
*Your equipment has chew stains down the sides of 'em
*Everyone on your department is related in some way or another
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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.
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1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
25. Drake was a patrolman.
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1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow
down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get
out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly Fire Isn't.
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A MINNESOTA State Trooper pulled a car over on I-94 about 2 miles west of the Minnesota/Wisconsin state line. When the Trooper asked the
driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to St. Paul to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk cheesehead, from Wisc., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
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You know it's going to be a bad day in the ER when...
You show up for work and notice bars have just been installed on all the windows and there is now a metal detector at the hospital entrance.
The paramedics in the parking lot are all using mops to clean up their ambulances and the EMTs are using a hose.
The off-going shift has a hard time keeping a straight face when giving report, especially about Room 15.
Your first patient of the day insists there is no way that she can be pregnant. She's crowning.
Your next five patients and the families all scream at you in different languages, none of which you speak.
Your next patient screams at you in a language you do understand, but you can't remember hearing that many obscenities strung together at once.
The intoxicated 250 Kg. transvestite in Room 15 keeps trying to get your home phone number because you "are just too sweet."
Your next patient has maggots but isn't dead.
The hospital's attorney wants to talk to you but her secretary won't tell you what it's about.
The hospital has a surprise disaster drill. You were the only one who wasn't tipped off.
The Department is completely empty and one of the off-going shift says, "It's been that way all night, hope you have a quiet day!"
No one remembered to buy coffee.
You have writers' cramp and still have 7 hours of the shift left.
The psychiatric patient who thinks he is Jesus was placed in the same room as another patient who thinks he is Satan.
You get a subpoena for a lawsuit a on a patient that walked out of the department against
medical advice two years ago. You can only hope that is what the attorney wants to talk about.
The Hospital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."
In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.
The paramedics who offered to go out and pick up lunch spital Administrator left you a cryptic message about a news crew showing up "sometime today to do a little filming, so everyone act natural."
In the middle of a disaster drill two real trauma patients present themselves.
The paramedics who offered to go out and pick up lunch (and coffee) just advised over the radio they have witnessed a motor vehicle accident involving a transit bus versus a minivan. "Stand by for update."
It's the first day for the new medical interns, pardemic traveling like wild fire through the local convalescent homes.
The psychiatric patient's delusions are beginning to make sense.
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A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on her name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know she's a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know she's a nurse, especially in restaurants where she may be required to do a Heimlich maneuver or mouth-to-mouth on a total stranger.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of her hand, paper scraps, napkins, alcohol prep packages, gloves, bed sheets, scrub pants, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart that the patient is disoriented and either restrain him or calls for a haloperidol order.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping IV pump at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. (If that ain't your complaint then I ain't assessing it!)
A Graduate Nurse spends two hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. (Has been known to tell the patient to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley ca
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in her bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in her bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
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A highly skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explained that a new policy had been put into place which allowed you to choose eternity between heaven and hell. The nurse asked, "How do I know which to choose?" "That's easy!" explained St. Peter, "You just spend a day in each place before making the decision."
With that, he put the nurse on the elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors open and the nurse found herself in sunny garden where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night she has an excellent dinner in a fantastic restaurant. She even got to meet the devil who turned out to be a very nice guy. Before she knew it her day in hell was over. She then returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on many clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day St. Peter returned and asked for her decision. "Well heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange but I choose hell."
With that she got on the elevator and went back down. When the doors opened she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends dressed in rags were picking up garbage and placing it in bags.
As the devil approached her she said; "I don't understand. Yesterday this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said; "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you are staff!"
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*Do not come to the ER with a problem that you have had for more than a week.
*If your doctor is in his office, you should be to.
*Do not send your children to the ER with a third cousin of your mother's ex-husband, then
leave town to go shopping.
*If you got your would-be patient into the family car to get to the hospital, then you can get your
would-be patient out of the car and in the door.
*Do not ask "how long is this going to take?" until you have waited at
least an hour.
*Do not look behind curtains at other patients. Even if it is someone you know,
you might not
recognize the most prominently displayed body part.
*When the nurse is listening to your lungs anteriorly and ask you to take a deep
breath, do not
blow it out into her face.
*Do not add penicillin to your list of allergies immediatly after the nurse
gives you an injection of Bicillin LA.
*If you must vomit, aim away from the bed rails the nurse just finished
cleaning.
*Do not make the nurse look like an idiot by telling the doctor a completely
different history.
*If you are going to sign out against medical advice, do so early, before the
nurse invests a lot of
time and energy on you.
*Share your displeasure with the doctor, as well as the nurse.
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"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie"
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"There go the lights again..."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off."
"What's this doi here?"
"Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change..."
"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"
"FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
"Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"
"...And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
"You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."
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You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a really big crap.
You know what a 3-H enema is ... High, Hot and Hell of a lot.
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.
You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!
You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.
Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help
Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"
Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier
You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."
You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now you're going to feel a little stick."
You've ever sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.
You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.
A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.
You believe that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status
You hate working the night of a full moon
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You believe the government should require permit to reproduce
You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed.
You refer to vegetables and you don't mean the food group
You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition
You have handled several 'lost condom' or "broken string on a Tampex" cases
You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis
You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.
You find humor in other people's stupidity
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
You believe chocolate is a food group
You believe a good tape job will fix anything
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You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency.
You have four categories of patients; urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)
You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk."
You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."
You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing.
You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."
You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag.
You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20.
You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival.)
You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.
You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.
You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.
You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.
You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety at level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch...(and you know that this is more time than you usually get.)
You have ever heard triage nurse fircally multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily.
You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disturbed by a return visit.
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